A Story

So, I just finished Graham Greene's 'The End of the Affair,' and although it is a morally questionable read, it is one of my favorite books. Strange? Probably, but it is amazing. I always feel like my heart should break after reading it, as it explores the differences and similarities of love and hate and how one man works through them all. As the two lovers meet and devour each other, Greene explores the idea of both hate and love consuming the very essence and life of a person. So much is consumed, in fact, that at the end of the novel nothing is left. Nothing, except for the One Thing that never runs out, and even He isn't wanted because of what was taken.

A Decision

I have made a decision.

You know how there are those Flickr photo challenge things where you have to take a new picture of yourself everyday for a year? I think I might try the same thing with writing. Granted, I probably won't have profound things to write about everyday, but it's worth a shot. And I have always wanted to write more, so perhaps this is a good reason to do it.

This little blip will count as my first attempt.

I can't think of anything profound to say other than I really like this guy I know. He's quite amazing. And I'm really sad that it's Valentine's Day tomorrow and he's two time zones away. Maybe someday that won't be the case, but for right now it is, and it stinks.

Deodorant

Have you seen the names they give woman's deodorant!?
Seriously??!!
Why on earth would you call deodorant 'Sexy Intrigue'?
Really?
It smells good, but why the name?
So, now we are objectifying women through the names given to deodorant?!
Who wants sexy armpits??
Come on now.

From Inside the Aquarium

There's a place on the UWGB campus where the buildings form an oddly shaped 'U', and on one of the sides, there is a cafe area with big windows that face other parts of the building so you can see other people eating at tables across the way.
The wind likes to play there.
You think I'm kidding?
You should have seen the twirling! It was crazy.
But every once in a while it would stop and almost look in the windows, almost like it was scoping out who had the best lunch. I was eating tuna salad on crackers. Very unimpressive as far as lunches go. And I think the wind agreed, so I didn't offer to share.
I kind of felt sympathy with fish in aquariums who are simply trying to eat their lunch, while strange shapes swirl around the outside of their glass trying to catch a glimpse of something.
Ever read 'The Fish' by Elizabeth Bishop? It is a beautiful poem, and for some reason sitting on the inside of the glass reminded me of it. Strange, I know. But this is a blog that very few, if any, people read, so I guess I'm allowed my moments.

From A Long Time Ago

Wednesday, April 18, 2007 at 11:24pm

do you ever have those days that seem better suited for a movie than real life? like its too impossible to be real?

monday was one of those days for me..

monday, april 16, 2007..

it started off fairly normal.. i was late for my 8am class.. i drank my chai tea and finished german homework.. sang loud songs in chapel.. learned about marriage in the victorian/pre-modern period.. ate something weird at the cafeteria..

i found out that someone had walked into virgina technical college and opened fire with some sort of gun.. killing, at the time, 22 people.. people attending school to get the same kind of degree i'm trying to earn..

german class was subdued.. Christian theology class was subdued.. the weight of that one man's decision weighing heavily and quieting a normally talkative classroom.. the kind of weight you couldn't just blow off.. the kind of weight that sits on your soul and forces you to think..

walking out of class, the sun was shining.. the birds were singing.. the breeze moving the newly formed leaves on the trees.. the earth seemed to quiet in response to the sadness caused by a man with a gun..

walking back to the dorm, i encountered an interesting development.. two men and a woman stood by the sidewalk by the cafeteria proclaiming God's judgement and the doom mankind faced.. they jarred me.. i'm sure their hearts are honestly looking to show people the truth, but having them there.. on that day.. it seemed.. i don' know.. disrespectful in a way..

so, i kept walking.. i really don't know what their message is completely about.. i've only listened for about 5 minutes today.. so.. i kept walking.. i went back to my room and took a nap.. and then i went to dinner.. and i was reminded that there is hope.. that there is hope for tomorrow because there will be a tomorrow because there is a God that holds tomorrow.. and i know the One that holds tomorrow.. and for that reason, i can have peace and hope..

i know monday was terrible.. and i know the people keep coming back..

but i also know that God is big.. and He is good.. and even though i have two papers due, a really really bad head/back ache, haven't seen my family in six months, and responsibilities i would like to avoid.. God is still good.. His character and love for me remain the same in the face of such weird obstacles..

there will be a tomorrow.. the bride will get the groom (for those of you who were in chapel today).. the sun will still rise and put beautiful colors all over the clouds..

there is still hope..

A Way With Words (or Lack Thereof)

I really wish I was a better writer than I am.
I'm not saying this to invoke sympathy or reassurance, but I'm simply acknowledging the fact that I cannot write as well as I would like.
And I think it's partially my fault.
I really should practice more so that when I actually do have something significant to share with the world, I'll actually be able to wield the words I want to use.
Part of the problem is feeling a bit overwhelmed by the vast storehouse of literature already available and I wonder about the importance of my own contribution.
However, this thought has been faced and dealt with by authors and English majors since those 'titles' came into play.
I'm not a great poet, my essays lack spirit, and I've only written a couple stories, and having studied some literature, I have become very aware of the ginormous amounts of writing that is simply shifted aside to make way for the 'greats' (predominantly Western, well-educated men).
Not that I've minded reading those books, but so much stuff is accidentally ignored and forgotten, that I sometimes wonder about the importance of my personal contribution.
I suppose I should practice and write things regardless of who will or will not read it.
And it is somewhat arrogant of me to assume that something I write could impact someone else and be remembered forever (pretty sure I'm not the next Shakespeare).
But isn't that what books and stories are for?
To impact and change the way people think?
To bring light into dark places?
Maybe my stories could do that, maybe no one will ever read them but me and my computer, but I guess my excuses are somewhat lame and I should keep writing simply because it is important and good practice.

Timing

Have you ever noticed in movies and TV shows how 'perfect' all the timing is?

The guy and girl at the bus station 'happen' to turn and notice each other right at the perfect moment. The selfish, egotistical jerk realizes and corrects the error of his ways right before he goes in to make a sales pitch that will destroy a priceless community. The cute waitress drops a cup of coffee on the head of the guy she will end up marrying. The dad shows up at the baseball game right before his son goes up to bat. The teenage girl forgives her mom right before the Christmas tree lighting. All is scripted to come off at just the right moment, and everyone knows its coming so no one misses their cue.

Real life is a lot more complicated.

Now, I know that this is not a big revelation, but I seem to keep needing to be reminded of it over and over again. I have no control over the timing of events in my life regardless of how many times I keep looking for a script or cue cards to tell me when to have realizations, look a certain direction, or drop something.

Lately, I seem to be learning a lot about my lack of control in situations. I know that I have control over my actions, responses, feelings and such, but there are things in life that are so far out of my control its actually kind of funny. I have an interview on Wednesday, and while I'm responsible for getting everything done and having all my ducks in rows and such, it is out of my hands as to whether or not I get the job.

However, there is an amazing bit to all this lack of control stuff going on. I know the One who is in control. Regardless of how stressed I get about my life or how lonely I feel at certain moments, there is Someone who has written all the cue cards and has all the exits and entrances perfectly timed.

So, even though I have no idea what the next month and half will bring, what adventures will be embarked on, what classes I may take, what people I may meet, or what events may change my life, I'm excited to see the timing that God has worked out so that all things work together for good. I would like to rush things and find out if I'm moving somewhere in June, but I will find out exactly when I need to find out and it'll be great regardless.

Real life is not simple. The dialogue is not pre-written. Entrance and exit cues are not pre-arranged, or at least, I cannot see the exits and entrances. I have no idea what's coming because my script got lost in the mail or something, and you know what? That's ok. God is bigger than me, He knows what's coming, and I'm learning to trust His timing and His plan. He loves me, and He has a good plan that will be better than anything I could think, dream, hope, or imagine. So, I'll keep doing what He puts in front of me, and we'll see what happens.